Ah, Super Bowl season is upon us. A unique time of year set aside for drinking lots of beer, eating nachos, wearing ridiculous looking radio headsets, and swearing at your TV to players that cannot actually hear you.
Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Probably if you love football. But there are some, like me, who love it less but coerced into watching the all-American sport. And for you, I have compiled a list of some sports jargon. That you can use to at least seem like you know what you’re talking about this February 4th.
Let us begin…
- Now is your time to shine, people! This might be a tricky one to pull off, but being that it’s the beginning this is sure to set the tone of your fake excitement for football . Apparently, something big happened in the 2008 Super Bowl with a man named Tyree and a “Helmet Catch”. That’s all you need to know. Mumbling is advised. Try something like “Mmmiinhmmim 2008 mmmhm Tyree and THAT HELMET CATCH!” *Face-palm. Exit left for more onion dip*
- “That’s Debatable” – this can be used when anyone around you says anything positive or negative about a single player. Don’t be alarmed, you will not be doing any of the debating, although it will make it seem like you could have. All you have to do is nod and let out a “hmmm” as you listen to someone give over some sort of opinion on something you care nothing about.
- “Is that a joke?!” To be yelled anytime something bad happens. (You can use some creative license on this one by moving your hand inward toward your face or outward toward the screen.) Do not forget to stand up emphatically when screaming begins.
- I would be remiss not to mention the advertisements made especially for Super Duper Sunday. They are a cultural phenomenon of their own and are sometimes viewed as an “integral part” of the game. Let’s be honest, many of you are probably (air quotes) watching the game (end of air quotes) just to see the commercials.
A brief interruption in honor of the halftime show with Justin Timberlake, which I’m sure is bound to be nothing short of inspiring.
Ok I’m focused again. Let’s continue, shall we?…
- Oh yes, my absolute favorite. Because nothing is more enjoyable than pointing out the ineptitude of an athlete trying his very best, while you sit there exceeding your average calorie intake by 200%. “You had ONE job!” To be yelled anytime a player misses the ball or fumbles.
- Make some negative statement about Tom Brady‘s age. Don’t be fooled, he is only 40, which is about 524 years-old in football years.
- Just a general statement here: yelling at the ref has absolutely zero risk factor, since everyone in the room will nod in agreement no matter what you say.
- Cool and casual. That’s you. Phrases like “that’s it” and “nice” go a long way in these situations. Be sure to clap slowly and loudly when using this one as you lean in closer to the TV.
Best of luck to you all, my fellow football haters. Be sure to end the night with an instagram picture of you in your never before worn football jersey! Let’s gooooo ________ (wait, which teams are playing this year?).
And after the Big Game is over, be sure to send your emails chock full of play-by-plays, news and entertainment, snarky comments and ad recaps. Are you monetizing those? If not, you’re not really in the game. Get in touch!